and in the past two years, i've learnt to build strong walls instead of bridges. i've been isolating my real self from the world for way too long. you know, i honestly think that just by looking at me, you will never believe that the oh so cheerful me on the outside is actually the totally opposite of who i really am. sometimes i tend to make life really hard for myself but i don't know. it's hard to control myself. especially when i talk a lot of crap and laugh like an idiot. i hate that about myself, i really do. how i wish i can just be quiet and not talk so much. i hate hiding the fact that i'm some miserable sad pathetic ass who's struggling with life and making things more complicated that it already is. and no, i'm no emo who wants to cut myself and die of suicide. it's just that life has been hard for me these two years and as you know, i'm a person who cannot accept sudden changes, cannot let go easily and moving on is one of the most difficult things for me to do.
but i'm trying to change. i mean, it's already been so long. i should move on long time ago. but seriously, as i've written before in a few of my old posts, i only had that one friend who was actually being a real friend and treating me like one. but sad enough, it's that same friend who had to leave me and now i'm on my own. i don't like being alone but loneliness has been on my side for way too long. i'm used to it but i don't really like it.
and last night, a friend of mine asked me this "what do you really want to hear from a friend?". well, i answered him "something that i'd really want to hear from a friend is - i'll always be there, no matter what happens. i'll always be with you and i'm not just saying that for the sake of making you happy and cause it sounds nice or touching - and that he/she really means what he/she is saying.".
after answering, then i realized that all i want from a friend is the feeling of security. i want to be sure that he/she who is my friend, will be there for me no matter the situation and will never leave me on my own. i guess i've been watching too much tv and i've always thought that friends are those who will stick with you through the good and the bad. but i was wrong. it was all too good to be true. i never had a friend like this and how much do i long for one. so two years back, i had this friend who was kinda like the one shown on tv but we were in two different countries.
but through it all, he was always there for me and those few months were like the happiest times of my life. and like i've said, that friend of mine left and since then, i never really believed in true friends anymore. the ones that i have, it seems like they only appear when you want to have fun, when they have problems and don't know how to solve it on their on, when they couldn't find any other friends so they come to find you, or when you become a benefit to them. but that is not what i look for in a friend. all these people are superficial. what i want is a real friend. someone with a sincere heart. and true enough, people like that do not exist anymore. well, maybe they do but they just don't appear in front of me.