Tuesday, August 17, 2010

dear you;

i realize that there is this person who often comes to my blog lately. idk why but every time i come to my blog, the first thing i'd do is to check feedjit to see who has visited and if that certain person ever comes. to my surprise, that person did. well, for the past week, he/she has visited more than twice. but i'm not sure if it's the same person, or different people or maybe he/she is not who i think it is at all. but whatever it is, if it really is that person, i think you know who you are, and if you're reading this post, i want to tell you that i miss you. it's already been so long and i kinda miss you a lot. ever since the past few messages that i've sent to you, i've been thinking a lot. i shouldn't be so selfish and immature anymore. i should have let this go long long time ago. and i guess i was holding on too tight. in case you didn't know, i hate changes. so the sudden change, i cannot cope with it at all. and i realize that i've changed since you left. for the better and the worse that is. it's like i've become stronger, i've learnt to not trust nobody, learnt to see that people are not how they always seem to be, that they want to be friends with you just because you're a benefit to them, that they will never be there when you need them, and i've learnt that disappointment is just a part of life and there will be lots of other people who will disappoint you just because you expect something better out of them, i'm ready for all this, but i'm still alone, still thinking a lot, still feeling down all the time, that the laughters in the morning mean nothing at all cause at the end of the day i'd still be crying. i might seem so high, so hyped up and laughing all the time, but somehow, it just isn't me. the sarcasticness, and everything else, i feel like a fake person. somehow i just feel that i'm only real when i'm feeling alone and thinking a lot. idk why, i know i'm weird but i guess i've been this way for a little too long. i guess you'll never know that seriously so much things have happened lately that i could collapse anytime. i might have some sudden huge emotional breakdown and who knows, i might never recover from that.

but still, thank you so much for letting me understand all this although i had to learn it the hard way. because if you i've started to look for hope over the internet and just recently, i found my new hope. GMH, LGMH and sixbillionsecrets. oh and tumblr and formspring too. without you and this painful lesson, i would never have found this page, found my hope and start helping other people who have it less/much worse than my current condition. frankly speaking/typing, if were to come across those sites few years back, i would've thought like "oh, what a cute site!" and that's it. like i wouldn't give a shit to whatever they wrote just because i had my happiness, i had all that i needed. but now, everything's gone. i'm losing hope and these things have helped me go through the past few months with not a forced smile, but a real smile. even though i'm still facing so much troubles, i can at least stand on my own two feet and struggling to get over each day with a smile and trying real hard to put the past behind me. people might think i'm fine but truth is, i'm not. i'm still facing problems and worries everyday, and guess what? my next big worry will be in two days. i'm still wondering how to face that problem on thursday. but like what i've said, whatever comes my way, i'll do it with a smile. even if there isn't any smile, i'd still do it no matter what. and i will be strong. so, thank you.

p/s: you should be proud that you've been such a big influence in my life. even though i still blame you sometimes for leaving me this way, i want to thank you too.

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