Sunday, May 30, 2010
after one month and two days of sending that message to him through facebook, he finally replied. my heart ached when i saw the message. seriously, i never knew knowing the truth would hit me that hard. he said he never lied, that all those things he told me was true. and i really want to believe him, i really do. but im confused. im having second thoughts. the flashbacks are playing in my mind like a silent movie. i cried the moment i saw his reply. that first sentence that he wrote, i cried instantly upon reading it. you know, its good that he replied but i dont know. hes already moved on. good for him. but im still here. stuck in the past. i mean, i wasnt even the one who was so serious but i was the one that got hurt the most. you know what? i really really want to know whats going on in his mind. i want to know what is he thinking. im not a good guesser and i will never figure it out if he doesnt tell me. but at least he replied. ive finally got the answer ive been waiting for, for two years and two months. its not really like what ive expected but at least everything that he wanted to say, he wrote it out. my two years of waiting didnt come to a waste.
thinking back, we really did have many good times together. i miss signing in msn the moment i came home from school just to talk to you. i miss out late night talks about anything and everything. i miss how you would always be there when i needed you. i miss how you can make me smile even when im crying. i miss having you around in msn cause we're like miles apart from each other. but its already been so long. i should be moving on now. its gonna be hard but i'll do my best. i know im strong enough to do this because in the past two years, ive done an excellent job of not mixing my real feelings together with the expression on my face. ive managed to hide my inner self from the real world for two years. its more than good already.
still, i cried. thats the only part of me that is weak. crying. i cannot stop myself from doing that and i hate it. i hate crying. it gives me a headache after a while and it gives me ugly swollen eyes. and that soft heart of mine. just a short message with a bit of sweet words and im starting to feel that you weren't wrong. how can i ever change this habit of mine. and are you really coming back end of the year? its been more than a year since you came back, so are you serious about coming back this year? honestly, i dont really feel like seeing you if you really are coming back. not to say i dont want to see but can we not meet and not talk and just not have any contact at all? im just worried that if i see you, i might have some crazy emotional breakdown. i know that writing all this makes it sound like im avoiding you, like im trying to avoid reality but i dont deny it. i do admit that im still afraid. afraid of having anything to do with you. im not strong enough. but i'll learn. try to stand up and smile, like how i usually do when you're not around anymore.
but all in all, i still want to thank you. thank you for everything you've said and done. i really appreciate everything. whether you're telling the truth or not, whether i believe you or not, thank you.