early morning rant.

was supposed to be studying when all of a sudden, i started to think about the past. last night i was at my cousin's house and my parents and i and their maid were talking. the maid has been working for my aunt(and now my cousins) for about 25 years already and yesterday they were talking about the times when i was just a kid. they were talking about how i used to follow the maid everywhere just because i was bored. then my aunt would ask me to stop following and go take a nap but i wouldn't listen. lots of good memories. and then it all came rushing back. i miss the past so so much. i miss my aunt. i miss my uncle. i miss my cousin. i miss my grandma. i miss how things used to be so perfect before. ah shit. crying at 4am is not professional. :( :(

but seriously, i would do anything just to go back to 15 years ago. i'd lose a month of sleeping time, i'd stop using the phone and pc, i'd even stop eating just to go back to the past. life was so easy back then. and everyone was happy. little did i knew that things changed so suddenly. people leave, people change. now, it's not the same anymore. honestly, i do not like how my life is going right now. so much have changed. what's worse is that all i can do is just sit and watch. there isn't much that i can do to make things easier. for me and for everyone. and you know what? the other day i was talking with my mum when suddenly she said "i wish my sister was still around". she has no idea how much it hurt me to hear her say that because it was very obvious that life haven't been treating her the way she's supposed to be treated and i cannot do anything about it. i'm not capable of giving her the best. :( and in the next few years, i'm sure there are gonna be more changes and i'm not liking it at all. i've never been good with changes and i hate how things change so fast. sometimes, i blame myself for some of the changes. i haven't been good enough, i've disappointed many people, i procrastinate a lot, i say what i don't really mean, all those things. *sigh

in short, my life is an epic fail. and that sucks.