.

i wish you were here. <3

:)

bah.

so much have happened since i last blogged. i wont go into details though. well, im not entirely back to blogging just yet. this is just a short update since im feeling like im six feet under and i just want write to my hearts content. wtf hahah im just feeling down and idk how/where/who to express my feelings so i'll be ranting here. D: sad much? anyways, life's been pretty hectic these few weeks. first its about school, anuar, then my results, the people around me, work, and then its about assignments/homework, peers, pressure, isolation, school fees and now its my left eye. urghh im really tired sometimes. everytime i come across a problem, i'll start to panic and cry. ive tried solving it but im just not good enough. i feel very pathetic sometimes. im very very useless. i never seem to do the right things, never seem to get the wrong things right. the more i help, the more of a trouble i become. ive always wanted to do something that can prove my success but it never happened. somehow, i feel that im really unlucky. idk why but everything that i do or buy or whatever it is, a problem will surely appear. gah, im such a big failure. :( and i just realized that ive always wanted to "disappear". i now understand why. obviously its cause i want to avoid. avoid more problems, avoid from getting things worse. but avoiding is never the answer and i guess i never seem to understand this part. i wanna change but its not easy. sometimes, i'd wonder when all this will end. or is my life gonna be this way until i become old and dying. i dont want to be living a depressing life for the rest of my life. its only been a few years and im already this miserable, what more to say another few more decades to come. often times, i'd cry and drown myself in music just to forget all my troubles and worries but its just temporary. theres no permanent cure to this unless i seriously did try hard enough. and also, ive realized that in the past year, ive felt myself drifting so far apart from God. and i guess this is part of the reason why my life has been a long and winding journey. frankly speaking, i stopped praying the rosary in late 2008. its not that i dont wanna pray, its just that i become sooooo effing lazy. i hardly pray at night because whenever i switch off the lights, i become so tired that my eyelids close so fast and im automatically sent to dreamland. oh and one very important thing, its lent now and i havent done any fasting(other than on fridays) at all. i remember telling myself few years ago that everytime during lent, i would try to fast on some of the things i do daily. a very obvious answer would be fasting from the computer. and unfortunately, i didnt. whats worse, im much more attached to the computer these few days. other than printing and doing my homeworks, i go online way too often. since school started, ive been sleeping at around midnight. gosh i know i know, so sad right? well, im going for confession this afternoon and i hope that after confession, i'll become a much different person. i want to stand up and smile and say "God, i love You and im gonna pray as much as i can everyday". *fingers crossed* i hope it'll happen.


ps: i feel much better after writing this post. :)